Saturday, May 1, 2010

only in dreams

i have no idea what is real anymore.
when i think about azusa, my college life, and the contentment i felt there, it hardly feels familiar.
It frightens me and i keep thinking i'll wake up at some point and that'll feel like home again, but that hasn't happened yet.
At least i've learned that with enough time even the most foreign of places becomes familiar, so much so that i can't imagine life any other way. I guess thats what GLT is all about...learning to live, not just experience, somewhere that is nothing like home.
My heart is huge, and alive, and full of love. I have changed so much and i know that i won't fully realize to what extent ive changed until i step foot back on california soil. For now, i have to remember to be present.

I turned 21 a few days ago. this birthday felt different for many reasons, but mostly because it forced me to reflect on who ive become and what it means to enter into adulthood. Im not holding back. Im letting go of who i was according to what i'd done or hadn't done, and it's a beautiful thing. it's also frightening. I have moments here i find myself saying holy shit, i am so alone and im doing things ive never done. But that's what living is after all.

as im writing this i can here the maoists rallying in the streets, and im watching lightening turn kathmandu purple. good night.

2 comments:

The Good Seminarian said...

You have one hell of a blog here Mack. It reminds me of all the things I learned in my year abroad.

-=Your Old Friend Dave Derus=-

Tracy Jore said...

Mack- I just now found your blog, so I went back and read through all of your GLT updates. You have learned so much in such a "short" time. I've been in Argentina for a week now, and everything you write encourages me to make this experience my own. Thanks so much, and keep writing. It helps me much! :)