Friday, June 18, 2010

The End is Near

I woke up in a cloud of mentak yuck today. possibly because i slept until noon for the first time in 4 months.
I leave here in less than two weeks, and as much as i try to savor it, or stay in the moment, i cannot fully fathom what im about to go through coming home.
However, i am getting more excited by the day. I miss my room mates, and saturday breakfast, and theological debates.
I am so curious to see how my heart and mind function in that setting again.

I made a summer wish list a while back, and i re-read it again today. I haven't quite realized it's summer since im still on my GLT. Be careful what you wish for. it was a wishful joke when i wrote "to fall in love" on there, and i certainly was not looking for it here, but it must have been looking for me. I'll spare the mushy details, because blogs are already cheesy enough, but love stories on blogs are even worse. All that to say, leaving is going to be that much harder and i have no idea what will happen. I can hear tegan and sara's "where does the good go," in me head, which im sure will only become more real to me once im home. For now i am enjoying every last second of it, and learning that love is much different than i thought it was in the past, especially when two people come from completely different worlds.

I guess ive come full circle. I look back and remember how alone and scared i was in the beginning. I have felt everything: depression, loneliness, adventure, God, anxiousness, ignorance, uselessness, belonging, friendship, change, romance, and love. so much love. Sometimes when i look out the window as we drive through kathmandu my heart feels so full that it could burst. That is a feeling i never want to forget. its human and divine at the same time. The lightening storms, the long bus rides, the hysterical laughter, the heat, spiritual experiences...Cat stevens describes kathmandu so well when he says "your strange bewildering time." It's true, one can get lost here, and many have. i certainly feel lost today and it makes me somewhat excited for to go home.

In all i am so grateful for this experience. it's been a 360, and my wish is that somehow all people could experience something so huge at some point in their lifetime. I can only hope to return and live here again someday. Living in a third world country has opened my eyes to how vast God is and how miniscule we are. Hopefully i will continue to feel smaller and smaller throughout my life, because it reminds me that me ego is not me, and that i am no more important than the next person.


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