Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Here's to the in between's and i dont know's
Recovering has never been so numb, distant, new, confident, liberating, and haunting. i suppose that's because i've never experienced something like my 5 months in Nepal. I realize that description sounds contradictory, but if you're human you know well what it is to feel a range of emotion all at once. I cannot get myself to think, reminisce, or write about Nepal. I have (literally) swept it all under my bed because it's too much to process, so most of the time when people ask "how was your trip" i smile and answer "great." In actuality it was the longest roller coaster of emotion.
i wrote about how much ive changed, and how i wouldn't know how that change would manifest until i got home, well that change is becoming clear to me now. I care about my body, my health, my well being. I am much more skeptical of people. i am jaded. i am content with staying in one place. I am grateful something feels like home. I am realizing not everything that has purpose is for good. I am allowing myself to indulge in the aspects of America i took for granted. I am running from nostalgia. i am lonely, but i am loved. I dont have much of myself to give away. I am finally entertaining my creativity. I am facing my pain without asking questions like "why?" i am learning to forgive.
i must be ok with not knowing. i have to accept the ambiguity of my last year of college. Not only accept it but live in it and realize that when i'm 50 i will wish i could return to a time when my future was a giant question mark. Here's to the classes i have yet to take, the mistakes i will surely make, my future heart ache (im a poet?), the people i have yet to meet, and the dreams that have yet to come true.
(if a dream doesn't turn out how you'd hoped that doesn't mean it didn't come true).